Miracles waiting to happen

Just as it is time to go back...i cringe at the very thought. That would mean coming back to an empty house....that would mean, cooking alone and getting to bed, alone. I usually go to bed at 10 pm which makes it about 4 hours of doing nothing. And the whole house is so silent, all you can hear is the clock ticking. This is how loneliness feels like. Nothing to look forward to and nothing to do....

I used to drive back home when Fendy and Ethan was around with full speed. Knowing they both will be waiting for me at home. With Fendy does his normal routine of riding his motorbike with Ethan standing proudly on the motor's basket. Riding around the neighbourhood, until sometimes, he dozed off ( just like his mommy:-P).

Greeted by them was an amazing feeling. I anticipate that moment each day. I would then rush to take a quick shower and give Ethan his bath. After that, it is back to Fendy again as I will prepare with the cooking. Dinner time with the boys was such a wonderful moment and it is the time that we will sit down and eat as a family. Of course, Ethan will be fed much earlier and he will be placed on his high chair with him playing with his toys with the occasional 'baba' and 'dada'! Mommy and daddy will trade stories what happened during the day, mostly on Ethan's developements and share jokes and sarcasms sometimes...if the food is oily or undercooked/ overcooked. Hahahaha!

Cleaning up, it will be Fendy's turn doing all the cleaning and yes, mommy get to spend time with little Ethan...it was the only time i get to spend time with Ethan aside from lunch hour because it will usually be too rushing for me. Preparing lunch leaves no time for me to have quality time with my little munchkin. Fendy said that, i'd only get to spend time with Ethan less than 3 hours during weekdays and it is such a short duration of time. Can't help it honey, I'm working:(

Around 9  pm, little Ethan will start rubbing his eyes. The indication that the poor fella is sleepy...its off to bed then while Fendy will go out to join his other fellow daddys outside, gossiping i call it. But he call it 'mengeratkan kesatuan jiran tetangga'. Pfft! Hahahaa...

Tossing and turning, until he is restless..that was Ethan's activities before going to bed every night.i will sing lullabies to him, read bedtime stories and also will sometimes, tickle him until he surrenders.... How does he surrenders? Well, he will ignore you and that is the cue to stop. Being his mother, i have to be alert with all these.

Fendy will come up and say good night to Ethan and will make his way resuming session. While I will nurse Ethan until he is fast asleep and that what was going on since we came back from my maternity leave;  end of May 2013 until Fendy started working again, that is on 9 December 2013. He has taken care of Ethan for 6 months. Both me and Fendy affirmed that was one of the glorious moments in our lives. We have few issues this and that, but those times were the moments that our family felt whole and complete.

After that....the family moments were gone. And i realised that both me and Ethan feel incomplete. Our house was no longer a home....series of events happened after that entails. This, I will highlight in my next entry.

We look forward to be together again someday. Let this be a reminder to me and to all the mothers out there that is facing the same situation like mine to be strong as only time will tell. Do not give up hope as prayers does wonders...I am waiting for the day for the three of us to be reunited and settle down somewhere, Labuan perhaps and call it a home someday. InsyaAllah, amin.

Xoxoxo,

Mom to Ethan:'(

One of the hardest decision to make

I have done so much thinking about until my head hurts. To leave ethan to be taken care by my in laws temporarily is simply one of the hardest decision i have to make in life, i guess. Ethan Jad is the apple of my eyes and now i only get to see him, to hold him, to kiss him, to cuddle and to take care of him when i am down at labuan. Truly it pains my heart to leave him seeing he is so attached to me. Even leaving him for a second, he will cry his eyes out.i guess this might be from the post effect of leaving him here for 9 days as MIL would put it. Ethan is cautious of my every move. Poor thing!

What made me decide of such thing? Well, the irony of it came out from one post that was posted from the internet that really touches my heart where a child innocently asks his mother whether she would entrusted the maid with her jewelries where the mother replied that she would never do such thing as clearly, the mother does not trust the maid. The child then asks the mother back then why did she left him with the maid? This really made me ponder as the post was simple yet the message is very strong until it touches straight through my inner motherly soul, as i might call it.

Yeah, i was thinking the same thing! How could i entrusted my only precious child to a stranger who clearly does not even have any family ties with me. As anything could happen at the nursery from 8 am till 5 pm. That long 9 hours is such a long time and anything could happen as the caretakers sometimes, do not have the proper training to gently handle the kids at the nurery. They take care alright but not in a sense that they handle the kids  with care as gently and mildly as a mother would have taken care of a child. What worries me that the caretakers might roughly handle the kids and i rather do not want to think of the worst. At the same time, the place is too packed with running kids here and there as i know, Ethan might get injured someday. Few incidents entails while i was there watching their abrupt moves really worries me. And the faces of the caretakers keeps on changing as this might disturb Ethan's well being as he has to adjust himself with another caretaker who has to start from the beginning to understand Ethan's needs and wants. Really a hassle which i do not want this to disturb Ethan's growth.

It is far different when you are being taken care by someone who loves you unconditionally and MIL and co have those qualities. Really, it is something i would not dream of doing but after much discussion with hubby, we came to a conclusion that this is the best for Ethan. This might not be a wise choice, but this is for the best interest of Ethan's safety and well being while we figure out where to live or change of profession perhaps in KK? I am putting it that way as I am the type of person who is in fact are more emotionally and physically attached to Ethan since the day i conceive him inside me which makes it extra harder for me.

And to think that sports day is coming for the whole of Borneo and we have trainings done every other day which the act of leaving Ethan down at the nursery after office hour is such a cruel way of handling a child. It disturbs me to think Ethan is being taken care there alone and to fetch him after dark is a big no no. It saddens me sometimes to have being fetched after dark where he could comfortably enjoy his sleeping time. This is because the caretaker have to wake Ethan up when i arrive and this is one of the reasons Ethan is better off being taken care by MIL. I am working in Sandakan and i could not divide my commitments fairly with Ethan. And this is unfair to Ethan. Truly unfair:'(

Before making this decision, i have outweight the pros and cons and it seems that the pros outweights the cons of sending Ethan to Labuan. This might not be a wise choice but this is for the best interest for Ethan which he is the top of our priorities when it comes to his safety and well being [this is gonna be my mantra from now on to console my heart everytime i think of Ethan:'(]

By the way, i have a friend back in KL Ct, where she used to drive down to Malacca every weekend to see her children as her children is being taken care by the in laws. She would drive back and spend her weekend there while her husband who works at Pahang will also drive down to Malacca. More to like weekend dad and mom. And i used to think that it is no way to have a family. I have the traditional mindset where family have to be together, all placed under one roof. But sadly, i guess my mindet is set to be change. Due to work, my family have to be scattered all over the place. And we could not be the every weekend mom and dad as the journey to labuan is too far. Journey by road almost takes half of the day. Not to mention the excessive travel by air tickets! Let alone my trip from Sandakan....and due to the decreasing amount of leave left, really saddens me that we could only become the every fortnight mommy and daddy.

Less than two days i will part with Ethan Jad. my heart and soul. definitely its heart breaking to think about it. but i hv to be strong. because i am doing this for Ethan as well. need to find extra income in the meantime to improve our financial crisis as well. life is damn tough. but hey, if life give you lemons, then what you can do next is to make lemonade out of it. there are times when you think that what could be possibly worst than this and God decided to give you another whammy, what i learnt from this is that i got stronger than ever before. life is unfair but God is fair....

I have to do something to reach our goal this year - both me and fendy to live under the same roof instead of being 'scattered' in Sdkn, KK and Lbn.... May Allah pave our way smoothly to reach our goal and hopefully its fast as i do not want to miss the chance to experience Ethan as a toddler. Truly a test for the family as we are just begining to start as a family. Pls God, here our doas. Amin.....