Miracles waiting to happen

Just as it is time to go back...i cringe at the very thought. That would mean coming back to an empty house....that would mean, cooking alone and getting to bed, alone. I usually go to bed at 10 pm which makes it about 4 hours of doing nothing. And the whole house is so silent, all you can hear is the clock ticking. This is how loneliness feels like. Nothing to look forward to and nothing to do....

I used to drive back home when Fendy and Ethan was around with full speed. Knowing they both will be waiting for me at home. With Fendy does his normal routine of riding his motorbike with Ethan standing proudly on the motor's basket. Riding around the neighbourhood, until sometimes, he dozed off ( just like his mommy:-P).

Greeted by them was an amazing feeling. I anticipate that moment each day. I would then rush to take a quick shower and give Ethan his bath. After that, it is back to Fendy again as I will prepare with the cooking. Dinner time with the boys was such a wonderful moment and it is the time that we will sit down and eat as a family. Of course, Ethan will be fed much earlier and he will be placed on his high chair with him playing with his toys with the occasional 'baba' and 'dada'! Mommy and daddy will trade stories what happened during the day, mostly on Ethan's developements and share jokes and sarcasms sometimes...if the food is oily or undercooked/ overcooked. Hahahaha!

Cleaning up, it will be Fendy's turn doing all the cleaning and yes, mommy get to spend time with little Ethan...it was the only time i get to spend time with Ethan aside from lunch hour because it will usually be too rushing for me. Preparing lunch leaves no time for me to have quality time with my little munchkin. Fendy said that, i'd only get to spend time with Ethan less than 3 hours during weekdays and it is such a short duration of time. Can't help it honey, I'm working:(

Around 9  pm, little Ethan will start rubbing his eyes. The indication that the poor fella is sleepy...its off to bed then while Fendy will go out to join his other fellow daddys outside, gossiping i call it. But he call it 'mengeratkan kesatuan jiran tetangga'. Pfft! Hahahaa...

Tossing and turning, until he is restless..that was Ethan's activities before going to bed every night.i will sing lullabies to him, read bedtime stories and also will sometimes, tickle him until he surrenders.... How does he surrenders? Well, he will ignore you and that is the cue to stop. Being his mother, i have to be alert with all these.

Fendy will come up and say good night to Ethan and will make his way resuming session. While I will nurse Ethan until he is fast asleep and that what was going on since we came back from my maternity leave;  end of May 2013 until Fendy started working again, that is on 9 December 2013. He has taken care of Ethan for 6 months. Both me and Fendy affirmed that was one of the glorious moments in our lives. We have few issues this and that, but those times were the moments that our family felt whole and complete.

After that....the family moments were gone. And i realised that both me and Ethan feel incomplete. Our house was no longer a home....series of events happened after that entails. This, I will highlight in my next entry.

We look forward to be together again someday. Let this be a reminder to me and to all the mothers out there that is facing the same situation like mine to be strong as only time will tell. Do not give up hope as prayers does wonders...I am waiting for the day for the three of us to be reunited and settle down somewhere, Labuan perhaps and call it a home someday. InsyaAllah, amin.

Xoxoxo,

Mom to Ethan:'(

One of the hardest decision to make

I have done so much thinking about until my head hurts. To leave ethan to be taken care by my in laws temporarily is simply one of the hardest decision i have to make in life, i guess. Ethan Jad is the apple of my eyes and now i only get to see him, to hold him, to kiss him, to cuddle and to take care of him when i am down at labuan. Truly it pains my heart to leave him seeing he is so attached to me. Even leaving him for a second, he will cry his eyes out.i guess this might be from the post effect of leaving him here for 9 days as MIL would put it. Ethan is cautious of my every move. Poor thing!

What made me decide of such thing? Well, the irony of it came out from one post that was posted from the internet that really touches my heart where a child innocently asks his mother whether she would entrusted the maid with her jewelries where the mother replied that she would never do such thing as clearly, the mother does not trust the maid. The child then asks the mother back then why did she left him with the maid? This really made me ponder as the post was simple yet the message is very strong until it touches straight through my inner motherly soul, as i might call it.

Yeah, i was thinking the same thing! How could i entrusted my only precious child to a stranger who clearly does not even have any family ties with me. As anything could happen at the nursery from 8 am till 5 pm. That long 9 hours is such a long time and anything could happen as the caretakers sometimes, do not have the proper training to gently handle the kids at the nurery. They take care alright but not in a sense that they handle the kids  with care as gently and mildly as a mother would have taken care of a child. What worries me that the caretakers might roughly handle the kids and i rather do not want to think of the worst. At the same time, the place is too packed with running kids here and there as i know, Ethan might get injured someday. Few incidents entails while i was there watching their abrupt moves really worries me. And the faces of the caretakers keeps on changing as this might disturb Ethan's well being as he has to adjust himself with another caretaker who has to start from the beginning to understand Ethan's needs and wants. Really a hassle which i do not want this to disturb Ethan's growth.

It is far different when you are being taken care by someone who loves you unconditionally and MIL and co have those qualities. Really, it is something i would not dream of doing but after much discussion with hubby, we came to a conclusion that this is the best for Ethan. This might not be a wise choice, but this is for the best interest of Ethan's safety and well being while we figure out where to live or change of profession perhaps in KK? I am putting it that way as I am the type of person who is in fact are more emotionally and physically attached to Ethan since the day i conceive him inside me which makes it extra harder for me.

And to think that sports day is coming for the whole of Borneo and we have trainings done every other day which the act of leaving Ethan down at the nursery after office hour is such a cruel way of handling a child. It disturbs me to think Ethan is being taken care there alone and to fetch him after dark is a big no no. It saddens me sometimes to have being fetched after dark where he could comfortably enjoy his sleeping time. This is because the caretaker have to wake Ethan up when i arrive and this is one of the reasons Ethan is better off being taken care by MIL. I am working in Sandakan and i could not divide my commitments fairly with Ethan. And this is unfair to Ethan. Truly unfair:'(

Before making this decision, i have outweight the pros and cons and it seems that the pros outweights the cons of sending Ethan to Labuan. This might not be a wise choice but this is for the best interest for Ethan which he is the top of our priorities when it comes to his safety and well being [this is gonna be my mantra from now on to console my heart everytime i think of Ethan:'(]

By the way, i have a friend back in KL Ct, where she used to drive down to Malacca every weekend to see her children as her children is being taken care by the in laws. She would drive back and spend her weekend there while her husband who works at Pahang will also drive down to Malacca. More to like weekend dad and mom. And i used to think that it is no way to have a family. I have the traditional mindset where family have to be together, all placed under one roof. But sadly, i guess my mindet is set to be change. Due to work, my family have to be scattered all over the place. And we could not be the every weekend mom and dad as the journey to labuan is too far. Journey by road almost takes half of the day. Not to mention the excessive travel by air tickets! Let alone my trip from Sandakan....and due to the decreasing amount of leave left, really saddens me that we could only become the every fortnight mommy and daddy.

Less than two days i will part with Ethan Jad. my heart and soul. definitely its heart breaking to think about it. but i hv to be strong. because i am doing this for Ethan as well. need to find extra income in the meantime to improve our financial crisis as well. life is damn tough. but hey, if life give you lemons, then what you can do next is to make lemonade out of it. there are times when you think that what could be possibly worst than this and God decided to give you another whammy, what i learnt from this is that i got stronger than ever before. life is unfair but God is fair....

I have to do something to reach our goal this year - both me and fendy to live under the same roof instead of being 'scattered' in Sdkn, KK and Lbn.... May Allah pave our way smoothly to reach our goal and hopefully its fast as i do not want to miss the chance to experience Ethan as a toddler. Truly a test for the family as we are just begining to start as a family. Pls God, here our doas. Amin.....

Ethan is away....away in Labuan

Probably when the saying of ' time flies fast when you are having fun' is true coz i can relate to my current situation. Ethan is back at labuan and i am here in Sandakan..so much for ' us against the world, huh, ethan baby?'... Ethan leave mommy all alone here:'(

Normal every day routine after work...is simply i do not have the time to trim my eyebrows, have my nails cut or even bath properly. It took me only max tops 2 mins to take a 'mandi kerbau' regime every day because ethan doesnt like to be left alone. There u go, ethan is put inside a basin and i will give him a few toys (usually it will be his rubber duckies and my facial foam~ he likes to open the lid using his newbie two teeth at the bottom) and he will be quiet in his own little world. But his quiet little world will only lasts for a minute. After that, its a game for him to open the toilet cover, holding on to my thigh and enjoy rubbing the suds off my skin...he just loves the slippery effect. Ethan is the type that gets bored quickly..I had no choice but to make sure to finish the remainings quickly. The implication of prolonging the bath session is that, ethan will try to go out of the basin which in the end, he will fall flat coz the basin couldnt hold his weight and what we get is a wet baby. o_O'

Feeding ethan will usually take about 20 minutes ( if he is in good mood), otherwise what i will encounter is a baby who gets up and trying to get off his high chair. He likes to be fed freely. He doesnt like to be tied down in one place, he likes to roam around, ethan me of someone..who you ask? Yeah, its the father, hahaha. My baby, love him to bits.

After finish all that, will take ethan to the bedroom and we will have 'us' time. He will disturb the dressing table. Push everything down to the floor. If he sees me pull out the drawer, he will quickly get up and crawl towards the drawer and take out what interests him. I am so occupied with ethan by my side. Sometimes i wish that i need the time alone.

However, my decision of leaving ethan at labuan backfires. I have so much time in my hands until i do not know what to do with my time! I stared at the ceiling for a while, replying messages on watsapp, fb, watch dvds....but despite all that, i missed having that bz time with ethan. This is not how i planned it.  I realised that nothing beats that small arms holds u close, that tiny hands touching you...and not forgetting that smile. Oh that smile that really wash away all the worries in the world. Having ethan in my life is the greatest thing ever happen to me. I will never ever trade it for anything. His happiness is my happiness. Surely, i must have done at least something right in this world for God to send ethan into my life<3

Speaking about happiness. I do believe that it is not fair for me to have ethan all to myself. Depriving his happy moments with his grandparents in labuan. I do believe that ethan should be shared. His love is big enough for all of us. Let him get to know his grandparents as i myself do not have the chance of doing so. Let him know the Muslim teachings in due course via the father and grandmother. I am somehow not well equipped in the religion side as i myself is struggling to learn. InsyaAllah in due course i will obediently follow the teachings accordingly and guide ethan properly.

Counting down 5 more days and i cant wait to see my little poyoyo. Missing him so bad as i missed his cute antics. Mommy looking forward to see u darling. I do believe by putting up this blog ethan will see one day how much i love him. It is such a rewarding experience to become part of ethans life. I hope when i am no longer around, ethan can read this memoir his mommy and knows that, each action has its reaction. In the event if i ever upset him, i do it for his own good. But that is however, a few more years to deal with. Now....what to do next....?hmmmm..none. Go back stare the ceiling i guess.

I second the saying that 'time flies when you are having fun'. Indeed, i had so much fun with ethan as time flies so fast when i am with you, darling. My poyoyo....5 more days!

#cantwaittohugyouandsmellyou!

xoxoxoxo...mommy@sandakan

P/s pictures of u sent by aunty suri every day for mommy..day 4 today sayang<3

Mommy, Daddy and Ethan..

Dear Post... i feel like the feeling of leaving behind someone you loved eats you inside...bit by bit. Nothing beats the feeling of loneliness creeping inside you. It is just me and Ethan here in the room that we rented and it feels so strange to be living in a place that you barely know the person right next door.

I am feeling so dissapointed as this age of mine, I should've have bought a nest for my family to settle in. Not by living nomadic like this. Dear Ethan...Mommy wish nothing but the best for your wellbeing. And to thing Daddy is away, makes the pain harder.

Aside from being lonely, bills are creeping up as well. Truly a remarkable experience to live day by day on faith alone hoping for the next day to get better. Simply rejoice to Allah  for He keeps me going everyday.

There are some days that all you want to do is wallow on your sorrows. But that would be impossible as dear dear Ethan keeps me up and going. Such joy to see this innocent little soul's eyes looking back at you hoping you take care of him, guide him and protect him.

Mommy promise sayang, mommy will never let you down. Mommy will face tommorrow bravely for you are with Mommy.

love love love little one xoxoxoxo

mommy:,)

Staying Apart is Hard to do!

I have a confession to make. I find it difficult to live without my other half. Staying apart does make the heart grow fonder. It makes the heart grow crazy for missing your partner. It cries at the sight of other families who can spend time together eating dinner at one table. But all this to the extend of positive jealousy, of course. I am glad my friends are able to do that because i just hate the idea of another family being separated like us.

Managing your thriving 11 months' baby is no easy task. But hey, it is all part of the mommy process. MIL can do it, so can i. Other mothers across the globe can do it, so will i. MIL has to be apart with FIL for many2 years since FIL works offshore most of the time, So, managing 3 kids back then with the age difference of 2 years apart each can be daunting and challenging. Hmmmm... i am wondering how she manage to cope doing it all. Truly a remarkable person indeed. Whilst my mum faces the same hurdles back then. Because my eldest sister's gap with my 2 brothers were a year apart another one was 2 years.

To think of it, it is scary handling a baby on your own.Ethan was sick when we got back from KK on Monday. 3 days in a row his body was on heat, esp the head, neck and torso area. Had to get up at midnight just to checked up on him.Still i sent to the nursery because i have too many work to do.Tawakal jak....

Evening time, Ethan's condition was okay.Midnight, the nightmare begins.3 days in a row been feeding him with neurofen. A stronger dosage of painkiller for babies..a duration of 6 hours . I think the effect got into him since his eyes has double eyelids due to the feeding. poor baby! Aside from that, been feeding him with 'soronipon'. A collection of rumput paka and other herbal remedies to remove the heat from the body. I believe it works because I happened to be experiencing the  nearing fever symptoms and what i did was drank a full jar of the 'soronipon'. Voila, im one of the  living proof that 'soronipon' works!

But after doing all that, thank God that Ethan's fever subside on Thursday.After much prayers, neurofen and 'soronipon'. Such a huge relief! Miracles are always there for you and me.

Bottomline, as far as i try to teach my heart that i can do it, but there is a big part of me cries Fendy's presence. May God give me n Ethan strength to go through this.  hopefully my transfer is sooner than i think....

xoxoxo

missing fendy=x

p/s pictures of MIL back in the 70s..groovy baby.And another recent picture was took during her 2nd trip down to Sandakan taken at RDC, Sepilok.

What a Day!?!! 26/12/2013

Today (26/12/2013) happens to be my dad's bday. born in the year of 1943 makes him a 'jolly' 67 year old man! but looking at my situation here. since no budget to go back, then its only me and my poyoyo here in Sandakan...

Talking about my poyoyo...gosh..its a heart wrenching news i heard from the childs' specialist today.Dr Chin Tshun Leong. My poyoyo poo-pooed at least 6-8 times a day and this happened a day before Christmas. The very same night,  i gave my sister at Inanam a call who happens to be the best advisor when it comes to baby woes (at least for me, hehehehe)...she gave me 'oh-thts-probably-teething' which means that my poyoyo is experiencing teething stage and its quite normal for him to poo-poo sevrral times a day.

The very next day, still having the same problem and that seems to bother me until i send pictures of ethan's faeces to the Daddy ( picture shown) because they contained some whitish element ( most probably its from the milk produce) and green slimy substance. He told me to go straight to ethans fav doc..not exactly ethan's..its actuall us. because Dr Chin is so cool...so haih....what to call that kind of character.what's the proper wording for him..okay..three words, Stylo-Fun-Warm! its easy to connect with this dr. okay..enough bout Dr Chin.

When we went to see him, well that's when the horrible truth begin to sets in...it's not due to teething! its actually..uhhh ohhh..Diarrehea! All due to our own fault! ethans suffering from that because we did not sterilise his milk bottles. Dr Chin told us that he might got infected because of the germs that still remains in the bottle. there are nooks and crannies that- very -hard- to -reach places might contained germs and we failed to consider that!!! And to have that green slimy thing is a sign telling us that he is near close to have his intestines bleed! OMG, and ethan will have to be admitted. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!

Distubringly shocking to me..yeah..because of taking things so lightly, ethan's having bad rashes all over his little birdie area and also his tutush area. severely red condition until he cried in pain when its washing time. Such a heartbreaking moment to see him in that condition. i am still traumatise over it. hearing his crying and all is devastatingly painful and it is as though putting salt in my wounds. really..how can i overlooked things so basic like this?? i blame myself for this thing to happen under my own watch T_T,

Dr Chin told us to go back home and sterile whatever is necesary and tht was what we did.me and ethans nanny, zizi. we washed and make sure all the milk bottles steriled more than 5 minutes. Dr Chin gave us probiotics ( good bacterias to ward off those bad bacterias inside ethan's tummy), smecta ( diarrehea med) and also some cream to be put on ethan's affected part (poor thing) and rehydration salt in orange flavour. All costs RM130! it's okay...it is the costs of my ignorance and stupidity!

Gosh... i really blame myself for what happen. emotional breakdown at exactly 1900ish hours. ho hummmmm...feel like i don't deserve to become a mother. ethan's better off to another picture perfect mother! the thought of him had that Yu Yi medicated oil went to his left eye really put me in a top place for being a bad mother. his shout of pain during that reunioun at Yvonne's place was something that is really heartwrenching, gut wrenching , you-name-it. to have yourself blame is such bottomless pit aka marianna's trench sets a self pity mode that time. cried my eyes out until ethan just gave me that famous frowning eyebrow look back at me. He must be thinking.... 'what has gone into this woman?!? crying frenzy eh?!'. 

At the end of the day, it was again my ever so dear sister nikki came to the rescue. gave me a pep talk saying that it happens sometimes. it could be worst and her famous quote ' i bet you are glad to know when this thing passed, you wished you knew that this thing is not so bad afterall ' . okay, i believe her there and then, because as i mentioned earlier, she is the best advisor i know ...of should i say, a life coach??? and she knows what she is saying ALL the time. it's proven during ethan's jaundice period not so long ago ( i will update on that, pinky promise!)

Around nearly 10 pm...ethan's finally dozed off (picture shown)..such serenity, such peace.... a huge relief because he is free from experiencing any discomfort around his affected area (at least for the time being).  it is such an eye opener that although you have equipped yourself with vast information about babies, but to overlooked the slightest factor that is paramount to ethan's health would lead to other crucial illness such as mentioned above (his diarrehea lead to bottom rashes and lead to major pain)...all because of taking things lightly.

yes, i have indeed learnt my lesson-big time! i hope ethan forgive me as i will pay a lifetime for this to become a better mommy to my poyoyo. And yes, at night time, ethan's body became warm and i fed him PCM 2.5 ml. Woke up around 2 pm and felt his forehead...normal...*sigh*....life of a mother. thank you God for this opportunity of becoming ethan's mother. thank you so much for this honour. with this, i will hold forever dearly close to my heart the duties of a mother..to shower ethan with love and kisses, to protect him from danger and to ensure his upbringing is in line with Your teachings and  pleasant to Your eyes...

love love love xoxoxoxoxo <3 ethan, daddy :-)

A different perspective

These past 3 days taking care of ethan has made me truly realised what a wonderful father fendy has been. It takes a lot of patience to take care a thriving growing baby...and not to mention when ethan is feeling under the weather.

It made me realise that I have taken fendy for granted. He is indeed my pillar and rock. He has taken care of ethan while im at work for the past 10 months. He truly cherish the moments when he is with ethan and discovers a thing or two what ticks ethan off. I always jokingly tell friends that ethan attached more to the dad compared to me in which secretly to me is true. He never complains anything to me...he has never shown any resentment in anticipating the days to come in taking care of the little guy. But being his wife coming to 1 1/2 years now and his partner for the past 11 years, i can see fendy's sorrows amounting when i complained about the bills in the house, the outstanding loans and other petty things. You see, fendy has been out of work for the past 2 years. Fendy will commence work in a five star resort next week! still couln't digest this fact yet though @_@' (2 years in another 3 months to come. p/s will share the period of time during his unemployment in another story...).But being fendy, he just take things cool and as it is...although can see from his eyes. He just does not show things. And that is one of the many values that fendys blessed with.

During weekdays, fendy does the laundry and folds them neatly. When he dries the clothes, he will usually start with ethan's small tiny clothes first followed by ours. He has this habit of being neat. Being systematic. i remembered when he grumbled when i did the laundry the other day, he said that i took one whole pile of clothes and just chuck it out from the washing machine into the laundry basket. he told me that there is a way of doing it civilisely. Oh-my-husband! And another story to share is during ethan's feeding time. He does it so neatly until you could not find a trace of cerelac as compared to me. Traces of cerelac can even found on ethan's ear! and eyebrow. Sheesh...i'm just being me, the fast and uncivilised! hahaha...

Anyway, coming back to fendy's attributes, there are a lot to compliment about. Not just because he is my husband..he is indeed my friend. A friend who laughs with me, a friend who comforts me when i want him to cheer me up and a person who directly tells me off when i needed some reality check. Yes, it's fendy of course. I tell you that God is so being Him that out of the gazillion people in this universe, He made me crossed path with Fendy and the chemistry between me and fendy just clicked! The chemistry between me and him just there..poof!abracadabra! magic! it's all magical to me...it's time for bed. ethan's tossing and turning, i have to comfort that little guy. besides, tomorrow is a working day for me. ZZzzzzZZzzz people. to those who have met someone in their life, trust your instinct. hey, he might turned out to be the wrong guy, but isnt't life is all about taking risks? i know i did *_-